Imperfections

When someone asked me what do I see in you, I always answer with "I don't know, really. I just fall".

Until a few days ago, a friend insisted "Well, there must be something", and I thought "yea maybe there is". And so I kept thinking, it's like an itch in my brain because I know I have it I just can't really put it into words yet. 

Maybe the easy way to put it is this;

I love you because you are broken, and I am too. 

You are lost, and so am I.

I see myself in you, which doesn't make any sense, but it's the truth.

So I thought, maybe we can be broken and lost together.

Because isn't that what love is all about? 

It's 2 years ago today, that I told you how I feel.

You said I can and I should find a better person.

And I thought, nope, not gonna happen, at least for now.

Because I am THAT broken and lost, and I needed you.

I still do. 

It's 2 years ago today, that I told you how I feel.

My feelings have not change since the day I first saw you walk in that door.

So today, 2 years later after I told you how I feel, 

I want to say

It's okay to be broken and lost, because you got me.

Maybe one day you'll see that. 

Your imperfections is perfect to me.

Happy valentine's day, I love you.

A

Apparently this year has just started

So....it's been a while, huh?
I am sorry for the last couple of months until the new year came (Happy 2016, ya'll!) I've been crazed with all sort of stuff. Finally, I get a chance to just chill, read a book, play piano and guitar, and post this first post of this year so yes I am glad!

Since the last post I posted, I've been:

1. Finished my internship program and report, the score is also not bad. The internship program was such an eye opener. To the real world, the working world. I met some awesome people. Cheers to my intern buddies, Mba Alfra, Kak Nadia, Kak Devina, Kak Shirin and other people who I met! I miss everyone.
2. Spent the holidays in Bali with the whole family which was great, I needed the break.
3. Going crazy over my thesis that I finally submitted and now waiting for the scheduling for the defense for it. That thing really consumed me (I brought my laptop to that holiday and did some of it in Bali, pfft!). But I hung in there and finished it. I am nervous as hell  for the next step but hopefully it will go well! I am still nervous every time I have to do public speaking, and this is probably going to be one of the most important presentation of my life? So, just wish me luck.
4. Learning to do make-up properly.
5. Listening to Justin Bieber's new album
6.Tricked by an online shop jackass who took my money. (Haven't deal with it until now, I don't care, he'll rot in fucking hell. What goes around comes around)

It was such a ride, last year! I've learnt a lot, met some new people, challenged myself, and all kinds of stuff. One think for sure tho, I've grown, a lot. It's scary how you can change in a year, huh?

One other thing that I realized, I didn't read much last year because I don't have the time, and when I do I'm so drained I can't even finish a page. I am not happy about it. I don't even want to know how many books I finished last because I think I can count it with one hand. That is not acceptable!
This year, I have to finish more books. In fact, I am starting one right now, it's Schizo by Nic Sheff, about a teenager dealing with schizophrenia, ya'll should check it out.I think I might finish it tonight (maybe). I also have other books that is on my list that I hope I can finish all this year.

I also hope to accomplish some stuff this year. I hope after the defense of my thesis I can graduate and receive my degree. That is like my main goal the beginning of this year. I also want to focus on myself after that, a lot I want to do and it scares me a little bit. I want to be financially independent, travel more, and experience more. I also want to be able to deal with my anxieties and worries (with professional help, maybe? My parents won't understand tho.), be physically and mentally healthy, get a masters degree scholarship overseas, and some other stuff. Wow a lot to do. I hope I can achieve all of it one by one, step by step, and have the strength to get there. I know everybody have to start from the bottom, so that's where I'll start.

Apparently this year has just started, and It's gonna be one hell of a year!:) So, hang in there everybody, enjoy the ride ahead and I hope you can achieve everything you want to achieve this year!

Allegra

Your happines, your choice

"Why am I alone? Why don't I have someone? I'm SO miserable"

These are the thougts that people have these days, at least people around me. I think those things are stupid, pathetic, and stupid again. I need to mention stupid more than once because it is THAT stupid.

I am not saying being happy in a relationship is wrong, or wanting to be in a relationship is wrong. What's wrong is throwing it in people's face like it's the end of the world. What's wrong is posting about it in social media all the effing time. What's wrong is making fun of people and making them insecure like there's something wrong with them for not being or not wanting to be in a relationship. 

Don't define youe happiness by your relationship status. Does it ever occur to you that people who is in a relationship is not happy? Don't define yourself by your relationship status. Because you are so much MORE than that. Don't let being in a relationship makes you loose who you are. If you can't be happy by being on your own, how can you be happy with someone else?

There's so many things to worry about. Improve yourself, so that people will see what you really worth. Girls, if you're reading this, wake up and think that looks and love is not enough. You have to do something and have a sense of dignity. Realize that you can't just depend on your partner for the rest of your life. Boys, if you're reading this, have a plan, and again, looks and love is not enough.

Do something, achieve your goals. Know who you really are. Make your family proud. Tell your parents you made it. Then maybe, just maybe, the right person will come along eventually.

Happiness is your choice, if someone else is your only source of happiness, you will never ever be truly happy. 

No worries, just blessings.

The First thing that you have to know about me - if you haven't already - is that i'm an over-thinker. My mind is a wreck, constant worry and anxieties at the point where I almost had a breakdown yesterday.

Kemarin, untuk gue panjang dan melelahkan. Banget. Ada aja yang bikin gue "anjir lo ngapain sih?!?!"  ke diri gue sendiri, if that make sense. Akhirnya, gue mencoba rasionalisasi sebenernya apa yang menganggu gue sampe hampir nangis.

Ada beberapa hal yang menurut gue major:

1. Proposal skripsi gue yang harus gue selesaikan dan dikumpul sebentar lagi, ditambah laporan magang yang udah harus dimulai. 

2. Tugas pribadi yang dikasih oleh supervisor gue dikantor. 

3. That I'm not good enough. Terutama dikantor, atau untuk keluarga gue sendiri, temen - temen gue, diri gue sendiri. I'm really self-conscious about my insecurities.

4. I might have to freeze my eggs. I have turner syndrome and by the time I'm 23 my eggs is not "healthy." This tho, needs more consultation. But it makes me worry. 

Sampe akhirnya, gue pulang dari kantor naik bus sendirian, mikirin itu semua. Sampai rumah langsung makan malam, nonton tv show yang gue paksain tiap hari nonton untuk menjaga akal sehat dan kesehatan mental gue (i know, it's stupid but it truly does), lalu tidur karena besoknya gue udah ada meeting mengenai tugas dari supervisor dari pagi sampai waktu makan siang.

So now it comes to today. Seperti biasa sampe rumah gue makan dan nonton tv shows. Gue nggak mikirin worries gue. Tapi, entah kenapa, my brain goes with another direction.  It thinks about why i should be greatful today. Dan memang walaupun hal - hal kecil, bikin gue bersyukur dan in a better mood.

1. Meeting dari pagi sampe siang semua lancar dan selesai. Gue dapet semua informasi yang gue butuhkan, nggak cuma untuk tugas, tapi untuk wawaaan gue sendiri. I can see why my supervisor is asking me to do this. Intinya, data udah ada, one step closer for the task being done.

2. Had lunch with my best friends today. Sampai dibeliin pastry sama Louna. The eclair was awesome. Tapi yang penting bukan makanannya, but the quality time i spent with Devy and Louna. My 2 crazy bitches. 

3. Gue balik terlambat, dan tiba - tiba ada msg di group kantor kalau ruangan intern kosong. Ternyata pada keluar semua, my supervisor was reminding that we shouldn't go all at once. Of course gue worried, as usual. Tapi, later that afternoon gue ada meeting lagi dengan dia (yes, hari ini meeting mulu nggak selesai - selesai, hfft). Selesai meeting, instead of ngomel, dia ngingetin lagi tentang etika kerja, dengan baik - baik, sambil ketawa - ketawa. Penyampaiannya enak, gue langsung ngerti dan sadar. You see, my supervisor is one hell of a woman. She's awesome! Mba Alfra, you won't read this but you rock! I'm glad that i work under her.

4. Latihan terakhir paduan suara untuk upacara 17 Agustus. Ini silly, tapi latihan ini bikin networking gue dan orang kantor  meningkat. 

5. Ngejadwal kalau besok proposal skripsi udah harus selesai. That's a promise to myself.

Dan sekarang, lagi nulis ini sambil siap - siap tidur. 

You see, poin blessings gue cuma hal - hal kecil. Tapi, efeknya gila banget. I think I should do this more often. Think of the good things and not the bad. Think of the blessings, not the worries, you know, glass half full kind of thing.

It's not easy, but I'll try to do it every day. So i at least can go to bed less-worried.

Wherever you are, whoever you are, whatever your worries are, it'll past.

As my friends Timon and Pumba said, Hakunamatata :)

Love,

A

Equality #lovewins

So, a few days ago, the US supreme courts announced that they are legalizing gay marriage in all 50 states. I am happy for them, it's about time. Of course it causes some critics and controversy. In social media, i saw some people bashing and saying nasty stuff about this subject.

I just feel the need to say something. Gue nggak akan ngomong dari sisi agama, karena gue nggak tahu menahu hal seperti ini dari sisi agama. I will however point out a few things;

First of all, mereka juga manusia. They deserve to love whoever they want to love. They deserve to be with the one they love and celebrate their love. They are as capable of having a family (Children, etc). Please, buka hati dan pikirannya. Ini bukan tentang hak orang gay, tapi hak manusia.

Secondly, being Gay is not a choice. From what i read, it's genetic. Some research have shown that. So sebelum bicara "ngapain sih pilih jadi Gay?", No, it is not their choice. It's like asking "Why are you straight?" Kita nggak bisa forsir mereka untuk suka sama lawan jenis juga, it's like forcing us straight to be attracted to sesama jenis. We love who we love. Read your facts straight before judging other people.

Thirdly - AND this is the most important thing - being gay is not a disease. I read that DSM V is not including it as a mental illness anymore, CMIIW. Nggak usah norak dan takut ketularan atau apa. You can't be gay just hanging out with gay people, or watching them get married. Again, you can't force sexual oriantation.

Last thing, yang melegalkan gay marriage itu USA. Jadi, kita yang di Indonesia ini (eerrgh ini yang menurut saya paling annoying) nggak usah norak dan takut sampe ini kejadian di Indonesia. Ngomong kiamat udah deket lah dan segala embel - embelnya. Who are you to say that kind of stuff? Nggak usah sok "aduh nanti anak kita gmn?" alaaaaah sampah. Nggak usah takut, perjalanan Indonesia untuk sampai kesana masih sangat jauh. You may not even alive to watch it happen. Lagian,kalau punya anak yang gay, will you love them any less? Gue sih enggak :)

To finish, look how beautful this video is <3 eventually love wins. It effing does!

My life as an introvert

Haah! Resolusi mau lebih rajin nge-blog hanya omong kosong, sekarang 2015 udah berjalan setengah ya! Enggak kerasa sekali. It's been a busy year and a long hard semester. Banyak sekali yang harus di selesaikan, sampe bingung harus mulai dari mana?

Anyway, semester ini saya di tuntut untuk udah mendapatkan tempat magang, dan magang akan dilaksanakan ketika liburan panjang nanti. Singkat cerita, saya mendapat tempat magang di sebuah perusahaan. Saya sudah mendapat tanggal, sudah cocok sama waktu libur. Yang menjadi masalah adalah, saya belum mengetahui job desc saya apa, dan pembimbing selama di perusahaan. Sebagai seorang introvert, menanyakan hal seperti itu kepada contact person bisa menjadi hal yang bikin...pusing. Anxious sampe ke ubun - ubun. Apakah sopan? Apakah mengganggu? Apa akan mempengaruhi penilaian mereka dan menjadi impresi yang buruk ketika saya mulai bekerja?

Setelah menceritakan hal ini kepada beberapa teman, termasuk bunda, semua mengatakan saya harus bertanya saja...toh saya masih belajar, dan pasti di maklumi. Lagipula, mengetahui hal hal diatas akan menjadi persiapan saya sebelum bekerja. Saya memutuskan untuk bertanya via email, kalau tidak ada respon baru akan saya telfon. Tahu berapa lama saya sampai pada keputusan itu? Berhari - hari.

Kadang saya tidak suka menjadi introvert, contohnya adalah hal di atas. Bagi sebagian orang, hal - hal kecil seperti itu adalah hal sepele. Percayalah, bagi saya hal seperti itu membutuhkan pemikiran yang panjang. Padahal jelas - jelas, saya ymembutuhkan hal tersebut. Saya tidak suka menyimpan segala emosi, padahal ingin melampuaskan dan mengatakannya kepada orang lain, tetapi tidak bisa. Yang bisa saya lakukan, ya, menulis, seperti sekarang ini. Saya tidak suka membutuhkan waktu lama hanya untuk memutuskan untuk menghubungi customer service ketika saya butuh.

Sebagai introvert, saya lebih memilih pesan makanan lewat online, di banding harus menelfon call center. Saya memilih menghubungi perusahaan via email dibanding harus mendatangi perusahaan tersebut dan menanyakan lowongan magang.Atau....yang ini akan terdengar cengeng.... tidak berani meng-approach orang yang saya sayangi padahal jelas - jelas saya rindu. Akhirnya? saya terkesan angkuh, pengecut. Aaaarghh!! Terkadang, menjadi introvert menyusahkan diri saya sendiri.

Ah, dari tadi saya hanya mengeluh. Tenang, selain hal - hal di atas, ada hal yang saya pelajari juga sebagai introvert. Yang paling penting adalah, saya bisa dan tahu caranya menjadi sendiri. Saya tahu apa yang harus di lakukan ketika tidak ada yang bisa diajak bicara di saat saya benar - benar butuh. Saya mengerti ketika merasa tidak seorangpun mengerti apa yang saya rasakan. Saya tahu mana yang peduli dengan saya, mana yang benar - benar teman. Saya bisa menemukan ketenangan ketika saya butuhkan.  Dan menurut saya, menjadi diri sendiri, bahagia dengan diri sendiri, adalah hal yang penting. Semua orang, entah dia introvert atau extrovert, membutuhkan waktu untuk dirinya sendiri.

So, whoever you are, wherever you are...Love, respect, and be kind to your self :) 



Allegra

welcoming 2015

i'm not the type of person who usually write about this kind of stuff
but, as cliche as it is i'm gonna write about about this

the most important lesson that 2014 has taught me is that it's okay to be alone
that i belong to myself and i don't have to try to fit in.
because those people who stays, is the one that i should hang on to.
in 2014, i learn that it's okay to be sad, it's okay to have my heart broken
because everything will be okay in the end
i learn to appriciate what's going on around me.
i've been down, even at my lowest point i may say. i cried myself to sleep for days and days just hoping it will end.
i've been happy, and i'm thankful and i cheerish every moment of it.
so all in all, 2014 have been a lesson.
a lesson about who i am.

and now, it's 2015.
i'm looking forward for what lesson this year will bring.
what i want most this year is to be truly happy
i want my family to be happy
i want to take chances and not afraid to make mistakes
and i want to travel and find new experiences in places ive never been.
i want to meet new people, and create new memories with them

happy new year, everyone :)

-A